Lesson 2: Assertiveness
B. Rational vs. Irrational
Beliefs About Asserting Ourselves*
We often have a number of
irrational beliefs that keep us from asserting
ourselves. Before we even talk about
asserting ourselves, it's helpful to know
and understand that we sometimes block ourselves
from asserting our needs. As children and
adolescents, we allow
ourselves to acquire many beliefs that are
really quite irrational. We've
acquired these beliefs from our parents
or teachers or other authority figures. These
are often unchallenged to the point where
sometimes we carry them into our adult lives. As
a result, it's good to examine our beliefs
from time to time. And it's important to
reassess if they support our values or are
in conflict with our ability to have our
needs met. Take a look at this section and
identify any irrational beliefs that you
may still be carrying. Then notice a rational
counterpart that might be more helpful in
your life now.
IRRATIONAL BELIEF |
RATIONAL COUNTERPARTS |
If I assert myself, others
will get mad at me. |
- If I assert myself,
the effects may be positive, neutral,
or negative. However, since assertion
involves legitimate rights, I
feel that the odds are in my favor
to have a positive result.
- If I assert myself,
people may or may not get mad
at me/they may feel closer to me/like
what I say or do/help me to solve
the problem.
|
If I assert myself and
people do become angry with me, I will
be devastated- it will be awful |
- Even if others do
become angry and unpleasant, I
am capable of handling it without
falling apart.
- If I assert myself
when it is appropriate, I don't
have to feel responsible for the other
person's anger. It may be their problem.
|
Although I prefer others
to be straightforward with me, I'm afraid
that if I am open with others and say
no, I will hurt them. |
- If I'm assertive,
other people may or may not feel
hurt.
- Most
people are not more fragile
than I am. If I prefer to be dealt
with directly, quite likely others
will too.
|
If my assertion hurts
others, I am responsible for their feelings. |
- Even if others do
feel hurt by my assertive behavior,
I can let them know I care for
them while also being direct about
what I need or want.
- Although at
times others will be taken aback
by my assertive behavior, most
people are not so vulnerable and fragile
that they will be shattered by it.
|
It is wrong and selfish
to turn down legitimate requests. Other
people will think I'm terrible and won't
like me. |
- Even legitimate
requests can be refused assertively.
- It
is acceptable to consider my
own needs sometimes before those of
others.
- I can't please
all of the people all of the time.
|
At all costs, I must avoid
making statements and asking questions
that might make me look ignorant or
stupid. |
- It's all right to lack information
or to make a mistake. It just shows
I'm human.
|
Assertive
people are co1d and hard. If
I'm assertive, I'll be so unpleasant
that people won't like me. |
- Assertive people are direct and
honest, and behave appropriately.
They show a genuine concern for
other people's rights and feelings
as well as their own.
- Their assertiveness enriches their
relationships with others.
|
CONCLUSION
If we want to be assertive, but are stopping
ourselves with fear about the outcome of
our assertion, then we should examine these
possible irrational aspects of our thinking:
Am I assuming that people will always react
negatively to my assertion?
THAT'S IRRATIONAL
Am I focusing on the negative outcome of
my assertiveness and not consider other
options?
THAT'S IRRATIONAL
Replacing our irrational beliefs with rational
ones help us to reduce our anxiety. It enables
us to realistically assess situations in
which assertive behavior may, or may not,
be suitable. It gives us the freedom to
make intelligent and presumably satisfying-
or at least bearable- choices about our
own behavior.
Abstracted from The
New Assertive Woman,
Lynn Z. Bloom, Karen Coburn & Joan Pearlman
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Lesson
2 covers appropriate expression
of feelings, assertiveness, and barriers
to assertiveness. 